During one of the workshops, we discussed how the language we use influences our perception of reality and how, through certain words, we relieve ourselves of responsibility for what we do and experience emotionally. We use some phrases habitually and don’t even think about what lies behind them. This concerns “I must” and “I can’t”.
“I must” is a source of helplessness
At first glance, it seems to be an objective statement of fact. However, if we reflect on it for a moment, it turns out to be merely a mental shortcut. One that is dangerous precisely because when we use it, we automatically put ourselves in the position of someone who lacks agency—enslaved and forced to live life in a specific way. This is both burdensome and frustrating.
Martin Seligman, the American psychologist who studied the concept of personal agency, points out that the lack of it is the root of the learned helplessness syndrome. This is a state in which we lack motivation to act and, in extreme cases, experience complete resignation.
Language determines how we perceive reality
Let’s try replacing “I must” with “I choose to”, and suddenly, our perspective shifts. We begin to realise that, in fact, we could choose something else, but for some reason our subconscious presented us with this option. We see that the alternative also comes with its constraints and drawbacks. In this way, we start to consciously examine the possibilities and limitations. From there, it’s only a small step towards making a deliberate choice.
Occasionally, it turns out that our subconscious decided what was best for us at that moment. Changing to something else—which may initially seem more beneficial—can, at times, be too difficult. It might carry too many costs, unwanted consequences, or we simply may not be ready yet. However, making a conscious decision is liberating and keeps the door open to other options.
“I must” disconnects us from our needs
At times, a whole range of possibilities opens up before us—possibilities we never considered because we were paralysed by one habitual word: “I must”.
In some cases, we can go even further and replace “I must” with “I want to”.
That word may be more difficult, as it is culturally stigmatised. At school, at home, throughout our upbringing and education, we often hear: “It doesn’t matter what you want; it has to be done this way.” And so we unlearn using the word “I want”. As a result, we stop thinking about what we want and what we don’t. We cease to name or express our needs; eventually, we stop noticing them altogether and satisfy them less and less frequently. Frustration and deprivation grow within us—and those are not helpful emotions.
It’s clear that one small word in our language can cause quite a mess. It can be a source of feeling trapped and lacking energy. But a seemingly minor change can restore, at least partly, a sense of control over our lives.
This isn’t about going to extremes and believing that we have total control over everything that happens to us or that we are responsible for everything. Rather, it’s about something expressed in that well-known prayer: “God, grant me the strength to change what I can change, the serenity to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Let’s learn to tell the difference—but without imposing extra limitations on ourselves. There’s always a good moment to practise and consciously observe how we speak about our lives. Catch yourself saying “I must” and, where possible, replace it with “I choose to”—or perhaps even “I want to”.
See what happens. It could be interesting.
